Atheos Time to Skedaddle

It's best to not engage with a believer when...

Select an ideal response for:

[grabs your shirt collar] Believe in God or I'll kick your ass. I'm dead serious.

Alright. Thanks. Have a good day.

So you believe in a God. Let's unpack this belief, shall we?

You seem serious. Let me give this some thought. I'll catch you later.

Good. I came here to kick ass & chew bubble gum, & I'm all out of bubble gum! Now feel the wrath of a jiu jitsu black belt, punk!

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Hello, boss. Tough day at the office, huh? My spouse & I would like you to attend our son's bar mitzvah next week.

Sit down, please. Close the door. We really need to have a talk about why you believe in this stuff.

That sounds intriguing. But I try to avoid religious events.

When you were your son's age, did you believe just as strongly as you do today?

Yeah, rough day. I'll check my calendar & get back to you.

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Hey! You're that person asking people questions. I demand that you interview me next. I am sooo ready to crush you!

I am. Further, I've been waiting for you. Prepare to meet your nightmares.

Crush me, huh? Let's do this!

Some other time, perhaps.

Perhaps. But I really don't like contentious debates or heated arguments. Send me an email instead?

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If God didn't exist, there's absolutely no doubt in my mind that I'd start killing everyone in sight.

Interesting. It was nice chatting with you.

Can you envision how you'd go about doing something like that?!

That's fascinating. Why do you believe in a God?

I see. Thanks. I really must be going now. Have a great day!

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I'm entering the hospital tomorrow & there's a very high likelihood I'll not come out alive. But I know Jesus has cloaked me in His love.

If you die, does that mean Jesus doesn't exist?

This is terrible news about your health. Is there anything special you'd like to do today?

I can't begin to tell you how sad this makes me. Is there anything I can do to help?

So sorry to hear that. May I ask why you think Jesus loves you?

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(slurring words) Hey man. I need five bucks... to keep my high going. I prayed to God & He... sent you to help me, man!

Why do you think a God sent me to buy drugs for you?

Why do you think prayer works?

I'd love to talk about this at some point, but not today. Take care.

I have cash, but I'd rather buy you some lunch. You up for that?

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I presuppose God exists. You know it, too. This was divinely revealed to us all in Scripture. No one can know anything without God. I'll never consider anything else.

I see. It's a shame we couldn't honestly discuss your beliefs. If you ever re-evaluate this assumption let me know so we can talk further.

How do you know this was divinely revealed to people?

Hindus presuppose their Gods exist, too.

I'd like to better understand how you've arrived at this conclusion. But perhaps we can meet again later.

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Our Satanic group is breaking into the morgue later tonight to invoke the Four Crowned Princes of Hell. You in?

No thanks. (walks away & calls the police)

What makes the morgue better than, say, a bowling alley?

That sounds illegal. I'd rather not participate in something like that.

I'll get my tools.

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I busted my head open & have severe & permanent brain damage. Thank the Maker I didn't die. Did I tell you I busted my head open?

My goodness. That sounds like a close call.

By "Maker" I assume you mean a "God". Why would a God allow such a terrible thing to happen to you?

Which Maker are we talking about here?

Are you hungry? Let's get a bite to eat.

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I had severe, crippling depression for the past decade. Only the blood of Jesus keeps me from going back to those dark, dark days.

Blood. Like, real blood with platelets?

That's unfortunate you had to go through that. Would the blood of Horus yield equally positive results?

I'm sorry to hear you experienced that. How's your family doing?

That must have been terrible. I'm sorry. Let's move on, shall we? How's your favorite sports team doing these days?

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Yeah! It's my 8th birthday! Did you know Sister Marietta says I have a special calling to be a nun?!

Happy Birthday, sweetie! Let's go look at that cake, shall we?

I hadn't heard about that. Say, who else is coming to this wonderful party of yours?!

Why on Earth would she say that? You do realize nuns can't have any babies, right?

Wouldn't you rather be a nurse, anesthesiologist, or a surgeon?

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We've been talking for just 10 minutes, but my head is spinning with thoughts & emotions. I'm confused. Please continue with your questions.

The last thing I want is for either of us to be confused. Rather than continuing right now, let's pick this up later.

Thanks for letting me know. At this point, let's end the talk so you can give it some deeper thought.

My questions were crystal clear.

I do indeed have several more questions for you. Is your faith so weak it can't handle this type of discussion?

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(sobbing) Our Wiccan fertility spell works perfectly, but I keep losing the babies.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

Oh my goodness. That's heartbreaking. Can I do something to help ease the pain?

What you need is a doctor, not magic.

Are there any Wiccan spells that could improve viability?